I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
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Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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