So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
