You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
