theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
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He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The feeling are messing with the penis
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.