I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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