I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.