3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
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I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER