that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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