dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
