you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
