i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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