This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
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I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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