No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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