there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.