my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Wipe that smile off your face.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
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I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
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I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye