I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He came all over her clothes we have to leave