I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?