I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.