Don't make out with my wife yet
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me