hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
