You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
