When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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