Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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