two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
