I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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