A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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