i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
