remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
