New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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