I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
