No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
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i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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