I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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