Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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