You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
