I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
