people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance