you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty