I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic