Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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