Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pants are for mortals
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