There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
