oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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