i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
