She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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