Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
