***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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