I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
