Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
