his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
