I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
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Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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