My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
