one two three fourrrrnication!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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