the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
