She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
