his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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