Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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