i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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